X-Blades (STS) (W)

Hooray. Another action chick wearing next to nothing for the purpose of wearing next to nothing. I know this will sound weird coming from a guy, but how about a female protagonist that dresses sensibly. While other games like to focus on unfeasible boobage, this game decides to enter through the back door. Yes, it is all about the ass as our starlet walks around in buttfloss so thin it's not enough to deem worthy to wear on a nude beach. I actually wouldn't be surprised is that wasn't a thong at all, but instead a really pale tan line from leaving that area unexposed to any form of light. I was pretty confident by looking at the box art that half way through the game I would have to solve a puzzle by doing a pole dance or suck off a statue, but the point I'm trying to make is how am I gonna respect the girl if she looks like she should be dancing on my lap for tips? Just because you wear less clothing than Lara Croft doesn't mean you're better, but it's time to stop ragging on her getup and concentrate on the 'game' aspect of the game...which is downright horrible (I cried twice).

Please Jump

The story starts off with the bitch Ayumi touching something she had no business touching in the first place. After killing everything in the room that spanwed, a map appeared showing her the location of an artifact that again she has no business touching, and she accidentally released a darkness in the world and inside herself. Afterwards, the story kinda disappears. You won't know, nor will you care why you're doing any of this. Shit, even Ayumi doesn't remember why.

This game looks like shit; plain and simple. Apparently Southpeak can't do cell shading, but they decided to try anyway. The characters look crappy which is funny because if you're trying to sell a game based on the sexiness of the heroin (or in this case, the dumb bitch who can't keep her hands off shit) then you should at least make sure the graphics on her are tight...I mean solid. When they're a large number of enemies onscreen, the action lags sooo badly, and they're always a large number of enemies onscreen.

MINIONS! ATTACK THE G-STRING!

How would I best describe the gameplay? Honestly, I don't know. Clearly, this game is rpping off some established series; I just can't decide which. The knee-jerk response would be God of War because, well let's face it; almost every action adventure game tries to be God of War. Despite that, I can't help but to think I'm playing a very shitty version of Devil May Cry. Maybe it's because her swords are also pistols, and Devil May Cry is known for it's sword/gun play. That's right: her swords are also pistols. That should have been fuckin awesome. Like Devil May Cry there's only one attack button, but unlike DMC there's no skill involve. It's just the same fuckin combo the whole game. You have guns, but the game is real picky as to who needs to be shot at. There's a lock-on, but like all games with camera issues, it's more of a hinderance than help. Speaking of camera issues, the camera seems to always position itself right around the ass to get a real nice look at her really pale tan line they called a g-string. And then there are the enemies. The enemy design sucks. Seriously, you will not feel threaten by any of the enemies apearances at all. That may be for the best because you are always fighting a million billion of them. That sounds cool at first, but when you realize there's no block button, suddenly large numbers are a real pain in the ass, especially since some attacks stun you, and when you're surrounded by 2 legged dogs trying to bite your arms off, I guarantee that you will throw your controller in disgust. Boss Battles are worse. Not only are you fighting a boss who health takes forever to wither down and likes to use cheap attacks, but normal enemies spawn in your way. So now you're surrounded by enemies while a big guy is chucking fireballs at you. Fun. You have spell and now that I think about it... THAT's your offense. Really, all the hacky slashy is good for is building up your rage meter to do a special. Do your spell, kill the monsters, wait for new ones to show up. That's X-Blades gameplay in a nutshell.

The ghosts of her past boyfriends

To the folks at Southpeak Games, YOU SUCK! If you played any of their games before, you know they are only good at making shit. This is porbably the best they'll ever do, and really, who would want to fund another one of their projects? Anyway, Ayumi is best described as the girl who wants to fit in with the rest. Every day, she pasts by the cafe and watches as Lara Croft, Kratos, and Dante drink coffee and talk about their successful careers wishing one day they will allow her to sit at the big kids table. X-Blades: proof that America should not do anime.

Note: If I had to rank this game, it would be number 1 on my Hall of Shame. Second is Sonic Unleashed. Also, alot of people told me they like my shorter reviews better than the long ones, so I guess I can keep them about as long as this review is. Less work for me. Now put on some pants young lady.