Wheelman

Holy crap, Vin Diesel is still alive. Vinny my boy; how you been? Where were you all this time? Polishing your dome? Banging models? Reevaluating your career after doing that movie "The Pacifier"? Well, it's good to see you back (kinda....maybe). Heard you got a new movie out; it's a sequel to "The Fast and the Furious". That's cool. I heard the only difference is they removed the "The's" in the title. Is that true? Well, we can talk about that later. I see you also got 2 games out. Wow, that's one hell of a comeback. One of them seems to be a remake of The Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay with extra missions. Since when do you do remakes? Oh, right: your movie. Well, I didn't play the remake "Dark Athena" because it seemed like a waste of my mother fucking time since I played the original, but I did play your other game. Yes Vinny, I got a copy of the Wheelman, and I hate to say it man (because you my boy) but it's not that good. On the real.....call your agent about this.

Car door vs. biker: place your bets!

Do you remember what the story is about? Yea, me neither. What was that? How should you know? Well it's your fuckin game; you should know something about it. Didn't you do the voice acting? Yea? Well then you should know because you read the script. You know what, it's fine; it's fine. No, it's okay. I got the cliffnotes off the internet. Gimmie a sec. Hmmmm.............OKAY! Your character Milo.......really? Milo? That has got to be the least threatening name I've ever heard. Anyway, Milo is a wheelman (obviously) who goes to Barcelona to work for the many gangs there. In reality though, you work for CIA, and you're trying to get information on something big that's suppose to go down. Ok, I see. OH, NOW YOU REMEMBER! Where were you Vinny when I was looking this shit up on the internet? God damn that sparkly shiny head of yours. You know what, who cares about the story. Let's just move on to the gameplay.

These shades make me look cool while I brood

Since you didn't know what the story is about, I'm gonna assume you didn't play it either. You were too busy shooting Fast and Furious; I understand. Here, grab this controller and I'll run you through the gameplay. Ok.....okay you got the driving down. Nice. Okay now that the cops are chasing you, I can tell you about your melee attacks. Flick the right stick either left or right to swerve your car. What do you mean what direction? It depends which way you flick it. NO, don't flick it backwards; that's shows the rear view. Yes, it's handy, but we're not doing that right now. Well yea, flicking up does attacks too, but noone is in front of you right now. Yea, just keep flicking into the cop cars. There you go. Good job. You lost them. Not bad for your for time behind the whe.......OH SHIT! The gang is after you. Drive mother fucka! Yea, they got uzis, so they will shoot your car up. Damn, it's already about to blow. NO WAIT! Don't jump out. See that car? Line up behind it. Now hold the B button. See that red arrow above the car? When it turns green, release the B button and....RELEASE IT NOW! RELEASE IT NOW! Saw that? That was called an Airhike. You jumped from your car onto another and kick the driver out without losing much speed. You aint done yet. Still gotta get rid of the gangs on your ass. Shoot them. Press the LB to shoot. The game will auto-aim for you. Nice, you took his tires out. You know, you can go into slow motion. Press up on the D-pad to slow down time, and shoot everyone in front of you. Press down and your car will do a 180, letting you shoot the people behind you. What? What do left and right do? Radio stations. Yea, the soundtrack sucks so don't bother with it. Damn, your car is done. NO DON'T GET OUT! See now you gotta shoot it out. Okay, LT is auto-aim, LB is manual aim, B is to duck, and RT is to fire. Got it? Obviously not since you can't hit shit. Ugh, you died. Good job Vinny........what? Not my fault you suck.

And somehow no one dies

Fun, right? Well Vinny I....what? No I will not stop calling you Vinny. Anyway, your game has a few problems that sucks the fun right out of it. The first mistake is that you get out the car. Yea, your game has moments where you're out the car and shooting it up with whoever you pissed off at the time. These moments are boring as hell, and have nothing to do with being a wheelman, at least I don't think. Secondly, it's really not that challenging. I pretty much breezed through most of the missions. I'm pretty sure you can't though. You suck. No, I don't want to see you try; it would be terrible. Oh, you mean in real life. Knock yourself out. If you live, I owe you 30 bucks. Even if you could do that stuff in real life, that's no excuse for extremely easy gameplay. My next problem with it is the unnecessary and unfun side shit the game has. You can race or run from cops or drive people places like Crazy Taxi (I miss that game), but it's all for nothing really. The rewards you get for completing challenges are useless, unnoticeable, and....and....Vinny what's the word....oh yea. SHIT. Seriously, the reason for some of their existences is lost to me. Why would I want to unlock weapons cashe if enemies drop weapons? Plus my pistol has unlimited ammo. Why would I need to increase vehicle strength when I can just jack another one? You're basically playing bad side missions for bad rewards, and that sucks balls. The fun missions are the story ones, but even they can get old fast (like Fast and Furious ads). Really, there's not much in this game to like.

Hey, where you going? I'm not done bashing your game, yet. Gotta go huh? Alright then, I understand. Gotta buy more insanely tight shirts and head shine; I gotcha I gotcha. Here's hoping your next game will be a good one. See ya Vinny. Again, I'm not gonna stop calling you Vinny, not until you star in a good game at least. No, Dark Athena does not count. Why? Because you fuckin did that game before. Ok, more missions and a new locale...big fuckin deal. I'm just being honest. Well Vinny, this is where we part ways. I'll see you next time you try to relaunch your career okay? Peace. Vin Diesel everybody!

Rating: Ass

NOTE: I am very aware that Fast and Furious is not a remake. Don't start with me.