Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands

I'm a fan of the Prince of Persia series starting with the Sands of Time. I always said gaming needs more puzzle platformers, and this is as good as it gets. There was a little hiccup with Warrior Within (it sucked), but the ship was righted with The Two Thrones and the book was closed on an epic storyline. 2008 introduced us to a new prince...who for some reason was not a prince (at least not yet; not until he knocks up Elika) and is played by Nolan North, the guy who does the voice of pretty much every single mother fucker in games lately. Jesus, if he keeps this up, he'll put Steve Blum and Cree Summers out of business and that's no easy accomplishment.....and it just occurred to me that you have no idea who I'm talking about. Despite the overused voice and a wardrobe that looks like a runaway ninja crashed into a Skittles factory, 2008's POP was a good game all around and a good launch pad for the next trilogy. I was getting syked about what they would for a sequel, then I finally got to see that the new POP...has nothing...to do....with this contingency.....wait what?

To make as much money as they can off the new movie coming soon, Ubisoft released a game in the Sand of Time storyline, effectively confusing everybody including me who thought they were fuckin done with that storyline and moved on. There's gonna be some trouble when both games are shelved side by side at Gamestop. You play as the Prince, not to be confused with the Prince who is not yet the Prince but probably will be Prince if he hooks up with...ah fuck that shit; let's just give them names. In the Forgotten Sands, you play as the Sands of Time Prince (who we'll call Sandy). Despite popular belief, this is not based on the movie, nor is this a sequel of the 2008 game starring Reject Ninja. The events takes place after the Sands of Time and before Warrior Within where Sandy visits his brother who despite actually having a name we'll call him Spongebob to keep with the theme here. Spongebob's kingdom is under attack and is about to go down like almost every Xbox 360 before 2009, and in order to save it he's releases the legendary Solomon's Army to aid in this fight. Sadly, evil sand pours from the vault...AGAIN...and creatures I'll called Beach Shoes emerge to destroy everything in their path. Now it's up to Sandy to do what he always does and hop, skip, jump, and repeatedly die his way to victory with some help from the woman who helped seal the Beach Shoes centuries ago: Water Hoes. It's a fine story but doesn't add anything to the overall story-arch. Hell, I don't know if it's really relevant at all. In my opinion, you can put Stone Cold Steve Austin in the game and it wouldn't make a difference, and in hindsight that might be for the best. We don't need a side project to fuck up to story here. Ask Metal Gear Solid fans.


As I describe the gameplay, stop me if this sounds familiar. You will run, jump, climb walls, climb poles, jump from pole to pole, wall jump, wall jump repeatedly between 2 walls, run on walls, run up walls, hang from poles, swing from poles, balance on beams, jump from beam to beam, dodge traps, solve puzzles, and inevitably fail a lot at trying to do all of the above. It's a tried and true formula that never gets old despite how many times I do it. It's one of those games where you say to yourself "Okay, I'll stop at the next checkpoint", and you're still playing 7 checkpoints later. Instead of sand, all your powers are given to you by Water Hoes to do what you need to to get from point A to point B. You can also upgrade Sandy like every other action game, making his health and attacks unfairly awesome, which leads to the biggest and probably only worth-noting change: combat. Instead of the stiff combat of Sandy's past games or Reject Ninja's stupid ass one on one move as slowly as possible duels, combat in this game is a little more fluid and a hellava lot more fun once you upgrade yourself to badass proportions. Not only that, but as much as 50 Beach Shoes can be on-screen at once. If you can win that fight without getting hit:
1) send a video of it, and
2) let's see you do that shit on Batman
If there's one thing that Reject Ninja has on Sandy, it's that he has a partner who won't let him die, unlike Sandy who is only as alive as how often you're allowed to do a rewind. Now I know everyone made a big deal about not being able to die in Reject's game, but after playing Sandy's game, I can confidently say that you guys can shut the fuck up about it. In the Forgotten Sands, it's filled with so many save points. It seems like every time I go into another room, the game autosaves. It's funny how everyone likes how you can die in this game, but the effect is still the same. Am I the only one noticing this shit? Yea, in Forgotten Sands, you go back a little further, but a lot of times I don't even use my rewind because I know I'll spawn close by. How is that much different from Reject Ninja getting saved by Floaty Bitch? At the end of the day, Reject Ninja made you feel like you got bailed out, whereas Sandy makes you feel like you can't fail, but it's the same shit.


Rating: Sweet


NOTE: What was that? A closing paragraph? Bitch, I got too much to do today. I don't have time for a closing paragraph.

Split/Second

One day, a little company that could called Black Box came along and created one of the best, if not the best skateboarding game of all time called Skate. Then I did my research and found out that the company I'm actually looking for is called Blackrock. My bad. Blackrock is known for the under-appreciated and very kick ass game Pure, which funny enough was published by Disney Interactive, probably the last company you would expect to publish an ATV version of SSX. Instead of making a sequel to Pure (damn), Blackrock decided to make a good ol' fashion arcade racer - the kind of racer you would expect to find in an arcade somewhere, except more awesome. I haven't played an arcade racer this fun since the San Francisco Rush series, and despite being rated E10, I've blown up more shit than GTA4 and Just Cause 2 combine. Needless to say, I fuckin love this game.

The game is set up like one of those shows you would see on FOX, with the cheesy music ripped straight out of Jerry Bruckheimer's Ipod and everything. When you play through Season Mode, each stage is setup like an episode of the show. There are 12 episodes in all and 6 races (2 that have to be unlocked) in each episode. It doesn't sound like a lot, but you would be surprised how long it takes to complete it, especially if you gonna try to get 1st place in every single event. Shit the only thing missing from this game is the promos for a new season of House.

I guess the best way to decide this game is it's the love child between Burnout and...pretty much any and every game that has random shit exploding. At any moment, pieces of the environment can randomly attack you and the other racers, and these events are triggered by you and the other racers. You fill a meter by drifting, drafting, jumping, and other stunts, and once that meter is full enough, you can trigger one of these power plays when you have racers within range. There are 2 levels of power plays, and while level 1 normally gets the job done, level 2 is just ridiculously awesome. Trigger a level 2 and you can either cause an event that can take out pretty much everyone in the race, or take out pretty much everyone in the race AND fuck up the course so bad that you end up changing the route. As cool as they look, level 2 also takes the longest to build up, so it may not be the best option. Besides the usual race, elimination, and time trials, there are special events that you can do, one of them is seeing how long you can dodge missiles fired from a helicopter.

This is an arcade racers, and like all arcade racers it suffers from the same exact problem that causes people like me to curse every 5 minutes: unfair AI. No matter how far away you get, or how good you're driving, they will always catch up. A big lead doesn't mean shit in this game and eventually someone will be on your ass. I guess it was done to make the racing more exciting, but what's the point of trying so hard to get to first if I'm just gonna lose it anyway. Might as well just wait till the last lap to even try. Oh wait, you can't do that because that leads to you ending up in last. Unless you get a lucky sequence of power plays, if you're behind, you'll catch up. It's also worth noting that you won't win a lot later on until you know the courses, but the game is more fun when you have no idea what the course layout is, and shit is exploding around you. It's a conundrum.

Despite the AI, this game is kick ass, and is worthy of the company that produced Pure, and for the love of god, go out and get Pure. It's like 20 buck now and it kicks ass. Trust me on this. It's only fault is that there's no split screen multiplayer. I don't know why that was left out. It's not left in Split/Second though, so we're good there. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to try it online because my internet is acting retarded, but maybe it'll work if and when I do my next VS: Split/Second vs. Blur. That should be fun.


Rating: Fuckin Awesome

NOTE: I like the running on the Backbreaker demo. Passing....not so much. Also, memo to ESPN, stop it with the fuck Lebron James coverage. Jesus Christ, if it's not him, it's fuckin Farve. Fuck both of them!

Just Cause 2 Easter Eggs

One thing I forgot to mention about Just Cause 2 was the easter eggs. In fact, I showed you a video of one of those easter eggs in the review. Not only are there many of then, some are just downright awesome. Ask anybody who's been to the island all the way up on the left hand corner. Instead of talking about it, which is what I originally intended to do, I'm gonna take the lazier approach and show you as many easter eggs that I was able to find on youtube, most of them presented by the guys at Achievement Hunter.If you're wondering, yes I found some of these on my own, all by accident.

Quick Thoughts on Super Street Fighter 4

Before I rant about my point today, let me just basically tell you what's new in this version. 10 new fighters join the fray, including some from SF3, Alpha, and never before seen characters (if there is someone who can use Hakan, I'll be fuckin amazed). Everyone's complained by how online is structured. That got completely re-worked to be or streamlined and...well...fun. Everyone now has 2 ultras you can chose from, balancing between fighters have been tweaked (except with Seth apparently), and Bonus stages are back....for what it's worth. I'm sure somebody's happy about.

I've heard a lot of people complained that all this could have been done as a downloadable (some of them don't even own neither game so whay the fuck are they running their yaps?) and that Capcom is lying when they say they can't. I have to agree with Capcom for 2 reasons. The first reason is the revamped online mode. Explain to me how that would have worked out with the online mode already on the disc. You can't delete the old one. You can't rewrite it. You can't do shit to it because once it's written on the CD, the content is permanent. You know when you get an update on a game, and it fixes some of the problems in the game (like lag)? It normally uses save files or creates its own files into your hard drive. If you were to take that same game to someone's house and play it, none of the fixes would be there because they're on your hard drive, not your drive. What you are basically asking (and some demanding) is that for Capcom to fuck with the CD, which is fuckin impossible. Point number 2, and the most important part I might add, is that even if it is possible that they can do that, even if they can add all that shit by downloadable, what difference would it have made? YOU WOULD STILL HAVE TO FUCKIN PAY FOR IT! Would it have been cheaper? I doubt it. The fuckin extra costumes in the first game set you back 10 bucks. Imagine what just one character would have cost, let alone TEN! Then you have the ultras, the bonus stages, the new stages, and online mode that'll probably have to be added so everyone can play online. At the very lowest, we're looking at 30 bucks here. A $10 difference here is basically just splitting hairs (just ask GTA4 owners). Besides, why wouldn't you want a disc to carry around to a friend's house or two? You that lonely? The only reason I can see people complaining about it not being a downloadable is because they either don't want another CD (which is reasonable) or they thought that shit would have been free, and that's fuckin retarded. Damn, now I feel like playing Street Fighter

Someone asked me if I would do a review for Super Street Fighter 4. I say no, but I'll think about it when they release Super Street Fighter 4 Turbo.

Just Cause 2

Just 5 minutes ago, I sneaked into a military base, planted C4 on most of the jeeps, stole one for myself, got chased by the military police who were driving said jeeps, jumped onto the hood of my car, triggered the explosives, blew up the jeeps, and opened my parachute to sail away just before the jeep I was surfing on crashed into the side of a building. That is Just Cause 2 in a nutshell. This game puts new meaning to the phrase 'fuckin around'.

You play Rico...ummm...was it Rodriguez? I think it was Riviera. Hold on; let me see. Where the fuck did I put that instruction manual? Alright, here it is. Rodriguez, there we go. Anyway, R-Rod is sent to the extremely fake island of Panau, to cause as much chaos as possible to overthrow a bla bla bla. I stopped paying attention after chaos. I cared little about the story and even less about the characters. Everyone in this game have horrendous accents, even worse than the Saboteur. In fact, even the American accent is bad, and it's voiced by a fuckin American. Is it really so hard to find Asian people to do the accents for you (I forgot to mention that the island was in Asia)? It's not like you needed real talent - as proven by who you hired in the first place - so I think any ol' group of Asian people would do. They don't even sound like they're trying to be Asian; it sounds like they're trying to make fun of Asians. On this island, you're treated to jungles, forests, deserts, snowy mountains, plateaus, and cities all in one locale, and the cool thing is it's all arranged so that it makes sense to have all these different...geographical......shit. At the right height, you can actually see the whole island. There's no fog or anything to hide the island in order to save processing on rendering draw distances or any of that technical bullshit. No; you see everything, which is amazing seeing as how good the graphics are and how fuckin huge the island is. Seriously, with the fastest plane I could find, it took me a little under 5 minutes to get from one side of the island to the other. That is ridiculous. 


It's a sandbox game, so I think we all know how these games work. I travel to a spot, start the mission (usually involves shooting), finish said mission, then go back to fuckin around until you're ready to start a new mission. The difference is that where most games encourage fuckin around, it's almost a requirement in this game. Almost everything destructive you do adds to your chaos, which acts like currency to unlock new missions. Sometimes I'd have no missions unlocked, so I went and blew up a few military bases for the hell of it. Sure enough, the chaos brought about new missions. Another outstanding feature is the grappling hook. It's used as you would think: Batman your ass all over the place. You can also tether 2 items together. Unless you're pulling someone off a sniper tower or mounted gun, the hook is pretty useless in a fight. Now, I said useless, but I didn't say boring. For example, while getting shot at by one lonely pathetic soldier, a helicopter appeared to take me out. So I hooked the soldier, tethered him to the helicopter, and ran away as the copter gave chase with his buddy hanging on. Helpful no, but fuckin funny. One time, I tethered a guy to a propane cylinder (at least I think it's propane; it's shaped like a helium tank), shot the cylinder, and he rocketed all over the place before blowing up. To round out this list of unique features is the insane stunts you can pull off. In the beginning, I mention I was car surfing while being pursued. That's just a little bit of a taste of what you can do in this game. Any vehicle in the game can pretty much be rode on top of and steered somewhat (except helicopters and planes). Combine that with a parachute and a grappling hook, and you are ready to have some fun my friends. Is it realistic? Hell no, but who cares? I can only imagine how that meeting with the game designers went........

Head Designer: Alright guys, I like the way this game is coming out
Designer #1: Well, we still don't have a bonafide hit here.
Designer #2: We have to separate ourselves from the other GTA clones 
Head Designer: Does anybody have any ideas on how to do that?
Designer #3: Hey, what can we do to make the game more realistic?
Head Designer: I have an idea.
Designer #3: What?
Head Designer: You're fired.

The point this game treat realism like NJ Governor Chris Christie treats the public school system (Sad but True.....by Metallica). They are 2 complaints I have with this game. Until you upgrade your weapons, it takes a million billion bullets to put someone down, unless you get a headshot of course, but the weapons aint that fuckin accurate. And with a game that emphasizes chaos, shouldn't I have assess to heavy ordinances a little earlier in the game? This game also doesn't have mutliplayer, but seeing as how massive the game is, adding that might actually break the fuckin disc. 


If you like fuckin around, then this is your game. It's been tailored made for people like you. Admittedly, the storyline take a long time to finish than you would expect, but when you think about it, you won't care about the story, and if you're not finish with it, it gives you something to do, something that this game is almost never short on.


Rating: Fuckin Around Awesome

NOTE: Anybody knows where I can get Power Stone 2 for Dreamcast on the cheap? Seriously, I'm not spending more than 20 bucks on the bitch, so these online prices I found can suck my dick.

Splinter Cell Conviction

Yes, I am no fan of stealth, but that doesn't mean I can't have an opinion on it. One of the main reason why I never liked stealth is because I was never any good at it. I get caught so easily, and because I'm a run and gun type of person, I tend to try to shoot it out which never works (except Metal Gear Solid 3 for some reason). Knowing that people like me suck, Splinter Cell tries to appeal to us by making the game as easy as possible without losing that sense of accomplishment, so if you're a regular jack-off who might be interested in stealth, then this is the game for you. If you're like me and don't like stealth at all, then this game can go fuck itself with the skull of Sam's dead daughter. If you are a stealth master, then this game (unless played online with other stealth masters) might turn you off because it's patronizingly easy.

This game takes place after the events in Double Agent, which leads to the first problem. The gameplay is built for newcomers at heart, but you have to play the last game to fully understand what the fuck is going on. Sam leaves the people he worked for and goes into hiding, his daughter's dead, yet that was part of a conspiracy. Sam's friend is dead, and I think he used to run the agency, which is run now by some dick who wants to take over the United States simply because this is a Tom Clancy game and someone is always trying to take over the U.S. for no real fuckin reason except they can. It's basically a lot of information to digest, and since you can only cover so much in one game, this leaves a lot of fuckin plot holes to those who haven't play the game before, and no, I haven't played the game before. And why is it that everyone wants to fuck with the U.S.? I like to play a modern game where the U.S. just fuckin chills in the background while the rest of the world duke it out. America doesn't have to be the center of every fuckin thing that happens. Do they think gamers won't like it unless they're fighting under the American flag? I would love to play a modern real world game where the U.S. isn't mentioned once bit. Some might say I'm being un-American, and they can fuck off. This is the most pro-American statement in gaming because I'm tired of my country being fucked with (especially by republicans).


I, for one, don't fully like the controls because they depend too much on the A button. In order to get Sam to do stuff that don't involve killing, you press A. Not only that, but you also have to be looking at what you need Sam to do in order for A to work. For example, to climb a wall, you have to look up and press A. Sounds simply, but when you're in a hurry, it's real easy to fuck it up. If you look too high up, you won't see the command to jump. Same thing if you look to low, and that pisses me off when I'm trying to hop a fence before the enemy sees me. Another example: to open a door you press A, and to peek under the door you press A. Confused? You have to look roughly waist high at the door in order to open it and look down at the floor to peek under it. Sounds like it's setup in a way you can't really fuck it up....until you fuck it up. There have been many times where I have accidentally opened the door to a room full of mercs who couldn't wait to show me a demonstration of their new-found love of killing dumb mother fuckas who open doors when they meant to peek under it because the controls are dick! The one thing I do like though is to take cover behind a wall or something, you hold down a button instead of pressing a button and being stuck like Velcro. The developers must not think likely of people like me because the AI is dumber than fuck with less brain cells than nuggets. These fucknuggets like to shout out exactly what their plans are like I can't fuckin hear them. Thanks guys; for a minute I thought I'd have to brain to figure out how to kill you. Shit, there are even times where I didn't really have to do shit. I'd just chuck a grenade in one direction, wait till they all run in that direction, and then run in the opposite direction. When the game calls for stealth, it's easy to crack some necks and keep it moving, but unbeknown to me were there moments where you don't really use stealth. The game provides you with little cover and tells you to go, and this happens ahellava lot during the last part of the game. So now it's a action game? Funny; I thought Sam's wasn't built to take a million billion bullets. Lets try shooting it out.............nope; doesn't work. Apparently, this is where you really need to use the mark and execute move, and it just occurred to me that I never explained that. When you kill an enemy with a sneak attack (B button), you earn a mark and execute which allows you to mark all the enemies you can and press Y to watch Sam kill them all. It felt so unless early in the game that I didn't even bother with it. It only after I've gotten my ass handed to me on several occasions by a large group of soldier with very limited cover at my disposal that moments like this were made for the mark and execute. I guess Ubisoft thought you would be a fuckin expert by now that you should be able to figure that shit out. Well excuse me mister game designer for wanting to use stealth to get through a situation, which is something this game is suppose to promote. In case you're wondering how to use mark and execute on the fucked up parts I mentioned, you mark everyone you can (guns have limits to how many people you can mark), you sneak attack one person which will probably alert the rest, and you use your now earned execute skill to clear the room. Only in hindsight can someone think of that shit. The leg of the game gives in way too much to action, which means trying to be stealthy may be the dumbest thing you can do. By the way, the mark and executes don't add up. If you sneak attack 2 guys, you can still only use it once, and once you use it, you have to sneak attack someone else. Well that's fuckin rewarding. Now you see why I didn't even bother with it to begin with. And don't even bother using stealth against other Splinter Cells because they know where you are using their own sonar goggles. I'm not saying you can't, but at this point, why would you want to.

Splinter Cell just doesn't appeal to me, which me the number 1 stealth game for me is still Batman (just kid; I have no favorite). I normally find stealth games a little hard for me, and when they make them easy, it's way too easy. Maybe I'm just too hard to please. I like to go on record to say that I don't hate stealth; I just like it better when it's an option rather than a requirement like Uncharted 2. Conviction doesn't strike any chords in people jaded about stealth, but maybe it wasn't meant to. If you're not on board by now, why bother, right?

Rating: Meh

NOTE: Months later and I'm still trying to beat Dragon Age. That bitch is hard even on casual difficulty. And the bosses....bull fuckin shit. They go waaaaay beyond cheap.

Halo Reach Beta Preview Pt. 2

Ok, there's some new stuff that I learned. Juggernaut mode has changed to be fuckin awesome. Before, the goal of the game was to kill the juggernaut to be the new juggernaut, then kill as the juggernaut. Kill the juggernaut will earn you a point, and every kill you get as the juggernaut earns you a point. First to 10 wins. As the juggernaut, you got an overshield. Now that's Halo 3. In Halo Reach, you get a strong ass overshield and a gravity hammer. Every kill earns you 10 points. What makes this version awesome and the Halo 3 version weak is that with a strong shield and a grav hammer, all the other players learn REALLY quickly that shooting each other is pointless and everyone aims directly at the juggernaut. Before you would kill the person next to you before he or she had a chance to kill the juggernaut, but that won't work this time because the superpowered juggernaut will own you all.

Funny story: while playing juggernaut, one of the other guys had managed to chip away at his health. Then I came in and stole his juggernaut kill. Hey, it was every man for himself (no teams). Right after I took his kill, I heard him scream "OH you got to be kidding me!" as I turned around and smacked him in the face with the hammer. Because everyone was just having a ball killing each other and not paying too much mind at the juggernaut, I went on a fuckin tear! Everyone tried the lone wolf routine, and all promptly ate hammer. It became apparent to everyone that maybe they should stop fuckin with each other and aim directly at me. After dominating for so long, it was now time for me to haul ass. I spent the last part of the match running from the large group of angry spartans. One guy tried to cut me off at the pass, but as they should have learned by now that's a really stupid fuckin idea. Every once in a while, I would catch someone by themselves and make 'em eat it, and when I finally got back full health and shield, I turned around and told the remaining people who were chasing me to Bring It! I crushed them all for the win. Good times.

One of the new game modes I got to play was called Headhunter. The goal is to collect skulls by either killing someone or picking them up from the ground and returning them to the base where they will be counted. If you die, you lose all the skulls you were carrying and they will fall on the ground for scavengers like me to pick up. This game is a hellava lot harder when someone is packing a rocket launcher I can tell you that. My new favorite weapon is the needler rifle which shoots exploding needles at enemies from sniper distance. It doesn't go BOOM like the regular needler gun, but damn this thing is potent. That's it for my preview of the Halo Reach Beta. I suggest you all play it for yourself and see what the fuss is about. Of course, you would need a copy of ODST, and if you don't have ODST you probably won't be interested in the beta....hmmmm....why did I do this preview again? 

Halo Reach Beta Preview

I'm still trying to figure everything out, but this is what I know so far. Apparently, Bungie decided to takes the Battlefield approach and have 4 different classes. This doesn't affect your starting weapons, but it does change your abilities, and yes you now have special abilities. The stalker class allows you to cloak, airborne has a jetpack, guard has a shield with protects you like the bubble shield except you can't move, and the scout class allows you to do what every other shooter does...sprint. About fuckin time Bungie. There are a couple of new weapons and it seems like they changed the battle rifle into a one-shot gun instead of a 3 shot burst. Still good though. There's also been a change in controls, but other than that it's Halo. I'm gonna play a few more games (a few more hundred), and I'll come back with more info tomorrow as well as some stories from some of my games.

New Site

Hey guys, I don't know if you know this, but 10rulesofgaming.blogspot.com is up. I think you should check it out. How 'bout it?

Thoughts on Sonic 4

Sonic 4, eh Sega? Somebody's getting a little ballsy around here. So I'm guessing this is Sega's last effort to please the fans who have been screaming for Sonic to be good again. Oh, but the fanbase will not be fooled like you did them with Sonic Unleashed. Sega, you're trying to save fans you've already lost, and even if it's good, nobody will play it because nobody trust you......which is what I like to say, but we all know how Sonic fans are gonna react. They're gonna buy it, bitch about it, and I (and every other reviewer) will be there to tell them I told you so. I could rip it like I normally do, but a man with integrity doesn't make judgments on something he has not witnessed himself....what? I have integrity. It's around here somewhere. So instead of just expecting it to fail, I'm gonna tell you why this may work out, then tell you how it might fail.

First, it's not developed by Sonic Team. It's pretty obvious that any with a brain at Sonic Team has long since abandoned the company after sensing that the new staff might be...how should I put this...FUCKIN RETARDED! It seems like with all the "great ideas" Sonic Team keeps forgetting that they're making Sonic games. By all means experiment, but after a while it's time to cut that shit out. I bet Sonic Team was suppose to make Sonic 4, but was pulled out after pitching yet another dumb fuckin idea. This game is actually be developed by Dimps, creators of the fuckin awesome Sonic Advance series and the less sucky version of Sonic Unleashed. That alone boosted expectations.

Sonic 4 takes place right after the events of Sonic and Knuckles. Yea, it's a direct sequel to the Genesis games. That almost like one great big fuck you to all the Sonic games after it, which is why I called them ballsy for it. According to them, this is old school Sonic with the only new edition being the homing attack. If that remains true, then Sega would have finally listened to the fans and given the world what it really wants. Now if they could just figure out how to cross-brand Mario and Sonic without it being gay.....

In the end though, it's still a Sonic game, and everyone knows by now that Sonic can't be trusted. This was mostly what they said about Sonic Unleashed so you figure sooner or later, they'll unveil the new more retarded plot device or gameplay mechanic that'll make everyone's eyes bleed from the inside out God of War style (I've never seen that in a God of War game, but it should be in one). Maybe it won't happen in episode 1, but hey, who knows how many episodes there will be. Plenty of opportunities to screw it up. But wait! What's a new Sonic game without a new character? A new character who really adds nothing to the exposition or gameplay and just flat out means nothing in the grand scheme of things except maybe to piss you right the fuck off has pretty much become as normal as...well Tuesday. Someone you won't like will show up, and all you can do is pray to whoever you pray to that you don't have to play with them. Of course, where they can really screw up is its speed. Ever played Sonic Rivals for PSP or Sonic the Hedgehog for 360? Of course not, but if you did, you would know that both games are ruined by slow speeds. Dimps hasn't fucked that up in past games, but looking at the trailer doesn't fill me with hope.

This summer huh? We'll see.

Blur Multiplayer Beta Preview

Well I'll be damned. I actually get to preview a game for once. I feel so official now. Anyway, after spending some time with Blur and playing over an hour (that's an hour total playing time, not hour as in real time) I can honestly say that we are in for....yet another ripoff. Mario Kart mixed in with Full Auto pretty much sums up my experience, and yet somehow this mix kicks ass, as long as you have a large group of racers to frag with.

Like Full Auto, you use realistic cars (or in this case actual real life cars) to race to the finish line and shoot others. Like Mario Kart, you can pick up weapons via item box. Like Full Auto, your car can completely wreck, putting you in deep shit. Like Mario Kart, learning how to drift is really important. You see where I'm going with this? As far as the beta goes, you get 8 items to choose from:

Shunt - homing missile
Nitro - take a fuckin guess
Barge - a shockwave taking out anyone near you
Shield - take another guess
Bolt - 3 energy blasts that'll mess with drivers (like green shells)
Repair - ........
Shock - fires 3 EMP fields in front of the race leader
Mine - acts as a landmine; spins racers out

The thing I like about these weapons is that when you get hit, it other feel like the end of the world. They do just enough damage to give the attacker the advantage needed without being too much of a hindrance to the victim. I hope there are more items in the full version, but the ones here are well balanced. The thing I like about item pickups is that they are labeled so you know what you are picking up as oppose to some random drawing decided by the game. Need a shunt? Grab that item box if it shows up. You can hold up to 3 items at once, and you can cycle between them by pressing the X button. If you don't want an item or see something better, you can drop the item you're holding. Wherever you drop it though, other racers can pick it up. This can play into strategy a little bit. If you drop a good item, you can place a mine in front of it. Anybody going for that item, will have to avoid your mine. I've done it twice; it works.

The controls are simple enough. If you played a kart racing game before, you've played this. In terms of driving, I'm not entirely happy with the drifting. I'm not expecting to drift like say Sonic & Sega All-Stars Racing, but you slow down so much when you do in this game. Speaking of slow-downs, unless someones connection is shitty, the game runs pretty smoothly. Not bad for a beta, especially with up to 20 people racing at once. Like Call of Duty (all of things), you rank up to earn new cars and abilities. In the beta, it caps at 15, but the full version it's said you can reach level 50. I wonder if their will be a prestige mode. Probably called transmission mode or some shit. There's also an arena mode where you can beat the holy hell out of each other. Think of it as a light-hearted Twisted Metal.

It'll be interesting to see how this one turns out, especially in the single-player department. I haven't seen everything in this beta yet, so when I have new info I'll update this post.

[Update]: turns out the rank cap is actually level 10, not 15. Damn; really wanted that Corvette. 

Sonic & SEGA All-Stars Racing with Banjo-Kazooie

People seem to get the wrong idea about me and my fandom of Sonic. Half the people think that I just love to bash the holy shit out of it, so I play them just for providing me ammo, and the other half feel I'm so dedicated to the blue fucker that I just can't let my NON-GAY, NON-FURRY love for him die, so I keep playing. Both sides couldn't be more wrong yet be very close right. Any new Sonic game I play now is because I'm doing it for the blog, or I'm really curious about how they fucked it up this time. For me, I was pretty much done with Sonic the Hedgehog after the game Shadow the Hedgehog, which was undeniably horrible to the point of herpes. After that, I never bought another Sonic game until I was asked to do a review on Sonic Unleashed (my fourth review here). Every other game I've played was either rented, borrowed, or pirated off the internet (which I no longer do and I no longer endorse) because I knew they were shitty, but I was so curious as to how shitty they were I couldn't help it. It's like when your friend is known for doing stupid shit and you just can't help but to watch. The funny thing about Sonic is that when I expect terrible, I normally get something worse, and when you can't live up to low expectations, that is the saddest shit in the world. And if you really want to know whats really sad, they FINALLY made the definitive 3D sonic game....and they had to actually find a way to fuck it up. I mean, they really had to fuckin search deep within their souls to figure it out, and they came up with the werehog. So now that I am thoroughly convinced that Sega is purposely making terrible Sonic games (probably because they like fuckin with fans), I go into this game knowing it will be terrible. Why would anyone believe this kart...racing...game...would....oh shit. This aint a real Sonic game. Whoops. My bad.



Holy hell, the rip-offs just keep coming. It's bad enough Dante's inferno is a straight rip of God of War; now Sega's doing it with Mario Kart Wii. Now, this is by no means the first time someone copied off of Mario Kart (*cough cough* Crash Team Racing cough*). In fact, this isn't the first time SEGA has copied off of Mario Kart (*cough cough Sonic Drift cough*). I guess the question is if all this copying bad. Well, for originality yea, but if can pull it off like Bayonetta and Darksiders did or what Dante's Inferno tried to do, then you have a great game on your hands, which leads to the next question. Are you willing to pay for a game you probably already have and/or played the holy hell out of? In this case, why the hell not? Besides, if you don't own a Wii, what choice do you have? Well...you can...choose...not....to play....at all, but the point is this is an awesome exact copy that should be played. Too bad this isn't really a Sonic game. There would have been joy in my heart.



First off, the average person may not know half the racers in this bitch. The roster isn't so much a 'who's who' of classic characters but more of a 'who's that' kind of thing. You'll know the Sonic characters who make up a good chunk of the roster, but why not just stick to the Sonic class, and why the fuck is Big the Cat here!? Check out the line-up. There's Beat from Jet Grind Radio for the Dreamcast, but the game ignores that and just references Jet Set Radio Future for the Xbox. Why it's called Jet Grind Radio in America when the rest of the world calls it Jet Set Radio is fuckin beyond me. There's Amigo from Samba de Amigo For Dreamcast and Wii. Okay, there's someone people might know. AiAi from Super Monkey Ball is also sorta well known. There's Jacky and Akira from Virtua Fighter and BD Joe from Crazy Taxi. After that.....who the fuck are these guys? There's Ulala from Space Channel 5, a game nobody bought on the fuckin Dreamcast. There's Ryu Hazuki from Shemmue one, two, and thr.....I-I mean one and two. Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg star Billy makes an appearance, but non-Wii owners may not know who he is. Well, he was on Gamecube so maybe. Then we really dip into crazy. The ChuChus from ChuChu Rocket? Robo and Mobo from Bonanza Bros.? What? Opa-Opa from Fantasy Zone? And here's the kicker. Zobio and Zobiko are in this game. Who are they you ask? EXACTLY! They're from House of the Dead EX, a game that was released in Europe and never saw the light of day in America. Aint that a bitch. Oh and there's also Alex Kidd. A lot of people don't know that Sonic wasn't Sega's original mascot. It was this little boy who had a game for the Sega Master System. I don't know why they just stopped with Alex Kidd though. They should bring him back just for the hell of it. Now that's the roster for every version of the game except maybe for DS, but we 360 owners get an exclusive character (YAY!). It's Banjo and Kazooie (BOO!). What? Their N64 games were awesome. Sure Nuts N Bolts fell flat, but still. Some of you are probably wondering about Nights from....well, the Nights series. Well Nights is the flag holder in case you were. Of course, being a rating E game, some people were omitted for obvious reason like people from Golden Axe and House of the Dead, although HOTD is referenced in the game as Curien Mansion (I think that's the name of the game in Germany). Would be interesting to see if any more racers show up as downloadables, but I doubt it. If it does, don't expect Bayonetta.



After defeating Robotnik, Sonic is chilling at a beach side resort where he gets an invitation to participate in a race. After reassuring that this will be nothing like Sonic Riders, Sonic decides to enter the race. The catch is that it's a car race, so Sonic isn't allow to run. After getting hooked up with a car from Tails, he and the rest of the man-animals head towrads the competition where not only do they run into people from different universes who all got the same invite, Robotnik was there too. At first, it seemed like some sort of ploy by the fatman, but Robotnik was able to prove he got the same invite as everyone else and is unaware of what's going on. A figure instantly appears over the contestants and explains to all that they will all be racing for his amusement, and the winner will get a cash prize and be hailed as the best racer alive. What the racers don't know is that this mysterious man, Dio, is actually plotting to fuse all the universes together and rule them all at once. What I really love about this story is that.....I made it up and there is no story. It's a fuckin Kart racing game; of course there's no story. Pick a character and get your monkey ass (no offense AiAi and Amigo) across that finish line.



Well, I'm four paragraphs in, and I barely talked about the game at all besides the roster, but I'm assuming everyone has played Mario Kart or some ripoff so it feels pointless to really get into it. One thing about Sonic & Sega is that you really can't get far without learning how to drift properly, even more-so than Mario Kart. Even on Beginner, you need to drift or you won't win. Almost every weapon in this game has a Mario Kart counterpart except for two: A missile that explodes when you deicde, and the All-Star moves. All-Star moves are specials moves each racer has to help them get to the front of the pack, and each move is different per person. I guess the best way to describe it would be to compare it to the smash ball from Super Smash Bros. Brawl or the star from Mario Kart except more flamboyant. I thank Christ that this game doesn't have a equivalent to the blue shell because that shit pisses me off in Mario Kart. I only have two gripes with the game. When playing online, the game always starts out buggy and laggy as all hell. It eventually catches up, but still annoying. Then there's the fact you can't pick different cars for people. I know that's a small complaint, but fuck you; I want choices.

How should I end this post? Should I go out with a joke? No, not this time. Should I bash Sonic some more? No, I'm tired of doing that. Need to do something different. Reference another commercial like I did for Dark Sector? No. Maybe I should talk more about the gameplay, but what's there to talk about? Hmmm. Okay, I got it. Sonic & Sega All-Star Racing is...what...really....right now? Can't this wait till I finish.....okay fine

Rating: Fuckin Awesome, Sweet, Meh, Ass, Red Ring of Death

NOTE: Bayonetta would have been awesome. Her car would be shaped like a shoe made of hair and her All-Star would be summoning monster to bite other drivers. That would kick ass.

Dark Sector quickie

DARK Sector is probably the most appropriate for this game because even when you're outside in the middle of the fuckin day, the game is dark as hell. Jesus, it's like I'm playing Saboteur again, except no titties. I know light is hard to program, but is it so difficult to make it so that I can fuckin see!? Other than that, it's a generic ass third person shooter. That blade you throw is pretty cool, but that'll get old quick because...well, you'll be doing that all damn day to make the gameplay somewhat entertaining. Even by 2007's standards, this game is boring as hell. Normally a game that is boring is rated Meh, but this game boring to the point of ass. The only good thing about it is that I was able to get it for five bucks at work. In other words:

This 5 buck box, suck lots of cocks
I shouldof bought Gears, that rocks and rocks
It sucks as a game
It suck as a box
I'd rather have someone pull my dreadlocks
[Neil]: What comes in this box, that sucks some cocks
A cool weapon held, by a butt munch
[Cheerleaders]: His right handed tool, is pretty cool
[Neil]: World domination and a plot twist?
Both on the list, and now let me think, enemies that stink.
[Neil]: That does suck a lot in just one box
But it was only 5 bucks, so my wallet still rocks



NOTE: Anybody else feel like going to Taco Bell?

Mass Effect 2

Oh god dammit Bioware, not again. You've already taken too much of my time with Dragon Age; now you've released the sequel to the most kick ass RPG I've ever played. How do you even find the time to do all of this? Ever tried juggling between two extensively long video games? Not easy. Luckily for me, Mass Effect 2 is a lot shorter then Dragon Age (everything is shorter than Dragon Age) so I was able to finish it, but this game is still huge and I can't do it alone. That's why I enlisted of the smartass Neil to help me review this. He hasn't done a review since Street Fighter 4 almost a year ago....damn. You ready to do this man?

[Neil]: Sooooo, you need my help to review a game a lot shorter than a game you did by yourself?

..........that's not the point.



You are Commander Shepard, the biggest bad-ass to have ever led a group of bad asses this side of space...and you are dead. At least, that's what the galaxy thinks. After being blown to hell with your ship, you're found by a private corporation, Cerberus. Yes, they do have a shady reputation, but you're Commander fuckin Shepard. If they crossed the line, your foot will cross their ass. Also, you..umm...kinda owe them for...you know...bringing you back to life, but still, ass whooping for all who cross you. Humans are disappearing, and Cerberus wants you, Commander bad-ass, to find out why and whoop some ass. But it's not just you out there putting your ass on the line. It's mainly you, but there are others there to help you. Bioware has added a lot of personality to the supporting cast, and for once, I actually give a damn about the people around me.

[Neil] Now when a sequel comes out, you gotta come correct when it comes to presentation. Mass Effect 2 did not disappoint…mostly. Let’s start with the good. Just like the first game, the Normandy is extremely detailed with all the bells and whistles. What really stands out are the loading screens. Yes, the loading screens. These shots kick ass!! Shit moves! In the first one all you had was that blue sphere thing from the mass relay point. Now, there’s other stuff. I can’t remember all the stuff but trust me there a lot of it. Also, each planet that you are able to land on looks completely different from any other one. Why is this good? If you’re asking that you should be slapped. (Kevin get on that). Being unique is what makes an RPG great. Actually that’s a rule in most games. DON’T BE FUCKIN GENERIC!!! Even the NPCs on each planet are different. To go into that much detail on an American RPG? That’s just…awesome.



If you remember from my Dragon Age review, I said Mass Effect 1 was damn near broken, and it was. Sometimes people glitched through walls, people would disappear, textures wouldn't appear when the game boots up from a save file (like in Gears 2 when multiplayer starts), and sometimes the game will just crash forcing you to restart. Not really a problem in ME2. Everything runs smoothly while improving the graphics, and thank christ that the texture doesn't fuckin disappears anymore. It's still not perfect though. There are still instances where people would get stuck in the environment or the audio would drop when turned from someone. There's also been some claims that the game still crashes, but I've been playing for days, and it's hasn't happened yet.



[Neil] If you played the first game, welcome back. The buttons and control are basically the same. There is one catch though. Each different class has a special ability. Soldiers can slow down time for a few seconds. If you’re like me and adore putting bullets in stuff, then this is the class for you. Every weapon is at your disposal and all of them hurt…sweet. I also tried the vanguard class. This is for the shotgun enthusiast, like Kevin. The charge attack kicks ass, but if u don’t like close range combat, don’t bother. The other classes have nice moves too, just haven’t tried the out yet. Notice I said “yet.” There is so much replay value in this. The morale system can give alternate endings which means something different can happen each time. Sweet!!



All the stuff that didn't work in the first game is gone. It's good to see all the crap I had to put up with in the first game got cut out. I see Bioware has received my hate mail. The mako drove like shit float on a river of shit towards the shittyfall and that....and then....Ugh I'm out of shit references. Well, it's good not to drive that again. In fact, you don't drive anything at all. It's better that way. All the confusing weapon and armor customization is gone as well. Now weapon upgrades that don't need to be bought apply automatically to you and your whole crew, eliminating the need to micromanage. That also means that there's little customization and no looting. In other words, if you're a fan of Borderlands, don't expect the same shit. The result is a more action pack game where shit hits the fan, and it's hell in the hole. With a lot of RPG elements gone, some might say it's no longer a role playing game, but I say fuck that! This is more than a RPG than most, especially JRPGs. Not only do you play a role (something JRPGs can't seem to fuckin grasp), but you're very invested in your character because he or she is everything you make him/her out to be. Your decisions hold weight, and some of the most trivial shit can come back to bite you on the ass. In other words, you runs shit; you're not just along for the ride. Speaking of running shit, if you import your ME1 file to ME2, you'll see the results of all the decisions you made in ME1. It really makes you stop and think before you just respond to a situation. Before I knew ME2 was coming out, I just picked any old answer, most decided through a flip of a coin. Now when I play ME2, I stop and go "How will this bite me in the ass later?" That is awesome.



And now onto the subject of sex. Neil if you would...

[Neil] There isn't any. Get over it.

Thank you Neil. Yes, there's no actual sex scenes in this game. You can still get laid in the game, you just won't see it. Now if you're upset by that...

[Neil] You're a fuckin loser.

Thanks again. I believe though that Bioware should make it their business to eliminate sex from their games for now on for the sole purpose of pissing off the internet dweeds on forums now n' days. I went to 2 forums recently to find info on a mini-nuke launcher (OMFG that just sounds fuckin awesome), and I see 3 pages of heated discussion about the lack of sex scenes. Now, I played to make several jokes on the subject (4 of them were lesbian jokes), but after seeing that sad display, I'm instead gonna make a plea to the folks at Bioware: please no more sex scenes. Look at all the annoyance it's causing. If anything, don't give these animals ammo.

[Neil] Make them quit cold turkey.

Quite.

[Neil] But while we're on the subject, Kelly goes both ways...so have at it.

Really? Hmmm....fuck did I do with that game?

Rating: Fuckin Awesome, Sweet, Meh, Ass, Red Rings of Death

[Neil] You know, we forgot to do a closing paragraph.

Oh shit, you're right. Ummm......Mass Effect 2 is one of those games you can't put down. I've have lost sleep, meals, bathroom breaks, and showed up late for work just because of the addictive nature of this game. Pick this one up. You owe it to yourself, especially after you moved that couch for your buddy. Treat yourself...to awesome.

[Neil] You also forgot to do your NOTE thing.

FUUUUCK!

NOTE: How did you like the top ten ninja list? I bet you didn't even know there were 10 ninjas in 360's history.

Top Ten Ninjas of Xbox 360

It was only a matter of time before I did this list, and do you know why? Because ninjas are freakin awesome. Before we get to our though, lets acknowledge the ones that didn't make the cut.

Raven - Tekken 6
Sadly he's disqualified for looking like Sisqo (damn Thong Song).

Kasumi and Ayane - Dead or Alive 4
We can only pick one ninja per franchise, which you'll see on this list.

Sub-Zero - Mortal Kombat
Fine fanboys, he's not a ninja; he's Lin Kuei.

Altair and Ezio - Assassin's Creed series
Hey, ninjas are assassins, and these assassins move like ninjas, but barely missed the list.

and now for our top ten:

10) N - N+

I don't know his real name and I can't see his face, and that in itself is very ninja. Add the fact that he has to navigate room after room of fucked up hazards, and you have one very talented ninja. How many people you know can outmaneuver a homing missile?

9) Thane - Mass Effect 2

Strange choice, I know, but have you seen this guy move? This guy hangs out in the rafters all day, then just...freakin jumps out and snaps necks like its as common as his morning dump. To top it off, he can disappear completely...in a crowded ward.

8) Taki - Soulcalibur 4

She's on this list because she got big boobs. Now, here me out on this. She has like fuckin size F tits, wears no bar, and yet they don't prevent her from being more kickass then half the cast. Most women her size has backaches; she causes them....on other people.

7) Bang Shishigami - Blazblue

Never in my life have I seen a ninja be comedy relief (Naruto doesn't count), and yes Bang is awkward in social situations, but that's alright. He fights with a giant freakin nail. Who does that!? Only a ninja would, and you know what? He's pretty damn good with it.

6) Ken Ogawa - Ninja Blade

I'm disappointed in his game, but Ken can do some sick shit. Why does riding motorcycle on top of debris falling 1000 feet in the air while battling a giant demon worm destroying 5 buildings seem normal? Now that's ninja trickery. Plus, he's the only one that got QTEs right, even though I hate them.

5) Kage - Virtual Fighter 5

I'm just gonna say this: he jumps 30 feet in the air, drives head first, hurts YOU, and flips out. Damn right!

4) Scorpion - Mortal Kombat

Sub-Zero didn't make it, but you know damn well Scorpion's here. What makes him especially awesome is that he's dead. That right...a dead ninja. How kick ass is that? I'll tell how. he's so kick-ass that not even death can keep him from...well...killing. Oh, and there's also that catchphrase "GET OVER HERE!"

3) Batman - Arkham Asylum

Whoa ho ho...you forgot Batman was a ninja, didn't you? How quickly we forget the movie Batman Begins. I think he goes on record as being the richest ninja ever. Of course, since we're talking about ninjas, there's no record of anything anywhere. Also, he's American. USA! USA!

2) Ryu Hayabusa - Ninja Gaiden & Dead or Alive 4

He's the only ninja on this list that's in 2 different franchises...and kicks ass in both of them. Of course in Ninja Gaiden, the game kicks back, so be on your best ninja.

1) We Don't Know - We Don't Know

And that's what makes him the greatest ninja on Xbox 360.

One Year, and Still Going Strong...Kinda

Well I'll be cunt fuckin damn. Who would have guess that this little blog that shows absolutely no sign of professionalism (or skill) whatsoever would last one year hosted by a lazy nerd who does nothing all day but play games with no real explanation on how he's able to get all the games with absolutely no budget, but hey, here we are. You know, I learned a lot while doing this blog. Mainly it's that a task like this requires one to eliminate any remnants of a personal life (especially if you're playing Dragon Age), but it's more than that. Here's what I've learned.

This bitch is hard
I thought writing reviews off the top of my head would be quick. Then I realized that what you think I your head doesn't necessarily look good in text, so you have to edit. After having nothing but text and the box art pic, I realized my reviews looked dull, so I added pics with captions on the bottom to make it look pretty. After adding videos to a few irrelevant posts, I figured that would be better than pics, which added more to the workload. So now the whole process can take up to 3 hours withouts distractions. Oh yea, I also have to play the games.

People really like DBZ
I really didn't expect any comments under the DBZ double review because...well let's face it, nobody leaves comments, but I got 6 for it. Hmm. I guess people really want to know about it. I wish I get this much coverage for my other reviews, or at least share their thoughts about ninjas, which leads to the next thing I've learned....

Ninjas are awesome!
This goes without saying, but let's say it anyway. You cannot name me one situation where a ninja would be inappropriate. Birthday parties? Of course ninjas can make those great, especially if that guy you didn't invite crashed the party and is being a total douche. Nothing ninja stars can't fix. Just make sure not to touch him or he'll touch you back...with his sword...to your jugular. Sociology class? I sure you know about the rule that if your roommate dies, you gets A's that semester. Same rule applies to your professor, especially if nobody knows how it happened. Now that's ninja. Sex? Three words: flips and flexibility....yea, that's what I thought. See, how can you bet against ninjas? For all you pirate lovers out there, I got 2 words for ya: KUDO CHOP!

I haven't done any Xbox games
And by Xbox I mean Xbox originals. You know, the games for the old heavy ass black brick. Why? Because the games I want cost too damn much. Jet Set Radio Future used topped at $120 online. That is ridiculous. Anyway, if I do review one, you know it's good...maybe...kinda...I don't know. Fuck it.

A looooot of Games
I play more games than I thought. It's actually pretty fuckin amazing. I don't know if I should proud of it or not.

Over this past year, I've been asked plenty of questions, mostly by friends who visit the site (and insult me afterwords...assholes) and random people who email me, but I get scared opening random mail for obvious reason, and upon further thought I should remove my email address. Anyway, here's some of the stuff asked to me:

What games would you like to see made or would make yourself?
First would be a puzzle platformer. There's not a lot of those nowadays, and I find myself shifting through Xboxlive Arcade for one decent enough. Obvious, it would have to star a ninja because who better for the job? Another game would be an RPG along the lines of Mass Effect 2 staring ninjas. Ya know you want it. Bioware...make it happen. The game I would make is that game I mentioned way back in my Halo Wars review called Recognize My Genius, and if you go back to the review, you can get the full breakdown. Somewhere, I will add ninjas.

What's your favorite game?
Hmmm. Are we talking Xbox 360 or of all time? If we talking about all time it's the old Sonic games for Sega. Sonic 1-3 and Knuckles, not that god awful 3D Blast. For 360, I guess it's Call of Duty because I still play that regularly. I even stopped playing Halo. So yea, those are my favs, at least until Recognize My Genius comes out.

What's the one thing you hate about doing this blog?
It has to be the fact that while I'm working, that's when everybody wants to start fuckin talking to me. Texts, calls, and IMs just attack me almost every times. It's like everybody psychically tuned in to see when I start, and then fuckin distract me. Listen friends....cut the shit!

What was the biggest surprise you had while working on the blog?
Easy; the Saints winning the Super Bowl. I know it's not relevant to video games....but damn. Didn't see that when the season started. I will say this, when Super Sunday came, they won me 10 bucks. I may be a Cowboys fan, but Saints....you alright with me. FYI: we'll kick your ass again next year too. WHO DAT getting smacked around by dem Cowboys? That should spark some hate.

What game disappointed you the most?
Actually, Mass Effect 2, but not because the story or gameplay or anything like that. If you haven't played Mass Effect 2, this paragraph has a small spoiler, so if you get snippy about that sort of thing, skip this paragraph. He gone? Okay, so later in the game I finished Tali's loyalty mission, so I went down to where she works on my ship and starting a convo like I do with everyone. She starting dropping hints that she likes me, and by dropping hints I mean ramble like that geeky bookworm loser girl who looks kinda hot if she were to take off the glasses so you ask her if she wanted to do a little something something, and she starts rambling because she wants to, but she's so nervous so she can't get her thoughts out but.....where was I going with this? Anyway, I was gonna bang Tali, but that wasn't my goal. I wanted to do her because I wanted to see her face. Who doesn't want to see a quarian's face? During the love scene, guess what I didn't see...her face. YOU MEAN I PASSED UP MIRANDA AND KELLY FOR YOU TO DENY ME THIS!? HOW DARE YOU!.....I'm sorry; I don't know what came over me.

Why did you buy a PS3?
Didn't I answer this already? I'll tell you the real reason why; because I'm better than you.

Why don't you use gamefly instead of buying all your games?
I did at first, but someone was stealing them. I don't know if it was from my mailbox or at the post office, but I didn't get a lot of the games I ordered, so they canceled my account. Ah well, at least I don't have to pay that shit back.

It's been a fun year, at least I think so. I've been drunk through most of it. Seriously, I've actually done reviews drunk before. I had to go back to read them, and say to myself "what the fuck?" So, what do I have planned for this year? Well, I can tell you this much; there will be more liquor. Stay tuned.....and sober. I like to thank my peoples who helped me: Ken, Neil, Bernette at one point, Travis for being a douche, that 2K5 guy, and even people I don't know or care about. Good Night, thanks for reading, and....and....I don't know, fuck it. Kevin aka Fackeen Oresum signing out.

Dante's Inferno

Gee, this year's already starting to seem like the year of rip-offs apparently. First Bayonetta as the Devil May Cry rip-off, then Darksiders ripping off Zelda while trying to make it look like God of War. Now we've reached Dante's Inferno, a blatant copy of God of War,and the Saints Row of action games, except Saints Row actually matched the level of awesome of the game it copied from. Dante, copying off of Kratos isn't a bad idea...if you do it right, but unfortunately for you you copied from too high a bar and failed to meet expectations. If you had done your own thing, Inferno would have been something truly spectacular, but now the best you can hope for is people calling you that 'God of War-like' game.

Dante is a crusade knight who probably should have died when stabbed in the back during the war, but somehow has the skills to kill Death himself and take his scythe. Despite the fact you're supposed to be a normal human, I have to admit, that's pretty bad-ass. Only a handful of people could pull that off: the Belmonts (Castlevania series), ninjas, and Kratos, although give Master Chief a Spartan Laser and we might see something interesting. He returns home from war to find his wife and some fat dude dead, and Lucifer dragging his love's soul down to hell for something Dante must have done. Since he was in the crusades, maaaaaybe it has something to do with the hundreds upon hundreds of people he slaughtered, or maaaaybe the people in charge of the afterlife have a problem with you killing their employee of the month and stealing his tool. Either way, Dante now goes through hell to get his love back. This game is based on the famous poem (which is basically a novel) the Divine Comedy by Dante Alighieri, and although I didn't read it, I have a funny feeling the original story didn't have Dante storming through the Devil's house and fuckin up his furniture.

The developer went through great length into making Hell a place you don't want to travel through, and in doing so, it makes Hell a place you want to travel through. Hmm, that seemed to make more sense in my head, but the point is Hell is more....hellish than you think and sets the tone of the game like no other. Each circle of hell you pass (there are 9 total) has it's own theme and set of monsters that range from gross to 'I'm not gonna sleep at night'. Don't believe me? Play through the first circle Lust. Seeing a giant demon woman with acid-drooling mouths where her nipples were supposed to be and has minions that shoot tentacles out of their panooches makes you rethink that date you had planned. That reminds me, happy early Valentine's Day. The developers tried a little too hard with being creepy though, like unbaptized babies with hook arms, and some stuff come out as goofy instead.

Now to talk about the combat: God of War with a lot less combos. That's it. The only difference besides the weapons of choice is that Dante doesn't link his attacks like Kratos. If anything, Dante fights more like War from Darksiders because light and heavy attacks don't blend together to make combos. Also, what moves you can do are much more limited.

What more can I say? Anything else would just be a review of God of War, and that's not coming till April. Yep, I'm doing another PS3 review because Kratos is that awesome. For those who don't have a PS3, this is pretty much as close as you're gonna get. It's good, don't get me wrong, but more was expected.

Rating: Fuckin Awesome, Sweet, Meh, Ass, Red Rings of Death

NOTE: Good news and bad news. The good new is this is the first review I've ever posted on the release date of the game. The bad news is because of that fact, it's hard to find decent vids on the game, at least without having to put the content warning page up. Maybe I'll post some later. I would put up pix, but I'm trying to get away from that.

Dragon Age: Origins

The only videos I could find were of the PC version, so the game obvious doesn't play exactly like that. Plus compared to the PC version, the Xbox360 version looks like shit. If you have a super computer, get the PC version.

I wouldn't have given this game a try if it was made by anybody else but Bioware, creators of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, Jade empire, the buggy yet kickass Mass Effect, and surprising enough Sonic Chronicles (I Know!). This is the type of RPGs that I'm familiar with, and therefore stay away from because quite frankly, I see nothing interesting about middle Earth (which is what I'm now calling this era of time). I don't generally like dwarfs and elves and mages and shit like that, but never criticize a product until you tried it (except Sonic Shuffle for Dreamcast) so I decided to pick up a copy. Well, I'm 14 hours in, and something weird is happening. This game reaffirms that I don't like this setting or it's characters, but I can't stop playing. It really says something about the developers if they can hold your attention while playing something you don't like.



So I'm 14 hours in (not counting how many times I fuckin died!), and I'm only sticking to the main quest because all the side quest don't peak much interest. I'm not sure, but I'm pretty confident that I'm not even halfway done. In short, this game is looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong! It's time to start neglecting your family and job because this a huge time commitment, and I mean a big one. The reason for this is because the quests you're on a fuckin huge! Counting the times I died, I spent 4 hours completing one..ONE FUCKIN QUEST! For those who played the game (at least as a mage), it's the quest where you go back to the Circle of Magi and decide to help. And the funny thing about that is I was still in the middle of another quest when I went there. I thought it would a quick 'go in and kill everything' type of thing lasting no more than - I don't know - 45 minutes. NO! 4 BALL SWEATING HOURS! Then I started back on the quest I was originally was supposed to be doing, and halfway through that quest, I realized it was 5 in the morning. I started at 10 the night before. Yea, this game was not designed for people with a social life. Storylines take forever to play out, and half the time I forgot what I was doing. I was just killing people randomly until dialog finally popped up.



Normally in a game like this, I would pick the warrior class because:
A) They never have the fuckin ninja class, and
B) I'm highly aggressive and like to get to the stabby stabby as soon as possible,
but this time I decided to do things differently and went with the female elf mage with a badass tattoo over her eye. Little did I know that this may not be the game you want to try out new shit because I died a lot. Maybe it's because I learned way too late into the game that 'constitution' increases your health and durability. Yea, I know, dummy smacks for me, but why call it constitution? What the fuck happened to health? Are we to fancy now to use that word? I hope not because I never got the fuckin memo. I started off okay, but after a while, my weak body couldn't stand to fight no matter how strong my magic was. And while we're talking about magic, why do mages need mana? They're fuckin mages! Magic should just be flowing out of their asses. They don't need a blue bar telling them what's their limit. In fact, a good mage would make that bar disappear. I think Fable 2 got it right when they eliminated the mana bar because when you run out, your fuckin useless unless you're carrying refills, and since I'm constantly getting my ass kicked, I normally have none going into boss battles.....joy. Luckily, you can switch between your teammates and play as them, which is what I used to do until I realized my mage was blowing all her mana and virtually became useless because the AI doesn't know how to fuckin refill and neither did I! Geez, the game's quests are long enough; you mean to tell me I have to micromanage my team at the same time to make sure they don't fuck up? Holy crap! This game doesn't let you take it easy, does it?



I really don't like the style of gameplay. Basically, you point and click (in PC terms anyway) at what you want dead, and you and the enemy take turns hitting each other. If you ever played World of Warcraft...that. You press A to attack, and watch as your character goes through the attack motion over and over again while the enemy (or enemies because you will get jumped a lot) does the same thing, occasionally switching up to do a better move. There's no reactions to the hits at all really. Seriously, until one of you dies, you'll keep attacking like nothing's happening to you....it's weird. Every time you hit them, a number pops over their head. Gee, I didn't know we were playing murder bingo. I can't wait to see what they do for Scrabble. In all seriousness, the numbers tell you what hit points you've taken away from the enemy, but it's kinda redundant since the health bar is right over their heads. Actually, I take that back because you need those numbers to show you what attacks are the most effective against certain enemies and which ones..UUUUUUUUGH! I can't take this anymore. Why can't I just kill people normally?

You may have noticed I left the story out, but what do you want me to say? There's like 1000s of these fuckin stories that you can go through, and each is like an hour long at least. I can't keep track of my own life, let alone what's going on in this game. I guess the main thing here is that you're something called a Grey Warden, which is a big deal in this world, and you must rally an army to fight hellspawn and bla bla bla. I'm not even sure if that's even important anymore with all the times I've been sidetracked...BY DOING SHIT IN THE MAIN QUESTS!! So how can I continue to play a game I obviously don't like? I'll say this though; those bastards know how to make a damn good story. That's just the magic of Bioware I guess. Even when shit seems discombobulated, it all comes together in the end. It's that same kind of writing that made Mass Effect so kick ass despite the fact that the game was damn near broken. Dragon Age's story...well, stories always kept me interested and motivated me to keep going to see what would happen next. If the CD was nothing more than cut-scenes (and not..you know...60 bucks obviously) I think I would have been happy with that.

I don't know how to rate this one. I can't call it meh because that rating is for games I'm disinterested in. You know, the kind of games you have in your library that you glanced at a couple of times, but say fuck it and don't play them. This isn't that, but at the same time I can't call it sweet because I don't like the gameplay. So you know what, this game gets no rating. That's right; make your own damn rating for a change.

NOTE: Message to Bioware....NINJAS!....think about it. You know this to be awesome.