The Bourne Conspiracy

I really need to see the Bourne trilogy. I saw bits and pieces of the first 2, but not enough to grasp what was going on; just enough to see Bourne do something awesome. Instead of buying the movie though, I decided to buy the game and play through the first movie and learn some backstory before he lost his memory. Seemed like a better way to enjoy watching my second favorite million dollar human weapon go to work. My favorite is Wolverine, assuming adamantium is worth a million dollars. Jason Bourne would do very well with adamantium in his body. He already does well for himself, but imagine Metal Bourne. That's sounds pretty sweet. The government already spent 30 million on Bourne; why not spend a little more? He could like headbutt tigers and take out entire armies while making the country fall in love with the Macarena all over again; he's that's good. The Bourne Adamantium would be a bigger hit than 2 Spider-mans and a Dark Knight put together. Ladies, if you think Matt Damon looks hot now, wait until you see him in his metal form. His six pack would literally not go anywhere. He would remain forever hot. The money you would make with that movie would be enough to make 3 Metal Bournes and still have enough left over to make one normal Jason Bourne just to make the Metal Bournes look better (I've done the math). Of course, something this awesome would be accompanied by an even more awesome game, and it will be ten times better than what I'm playing now. The Bourne Conspiracy isn't a bad game, but it doesn't do the character justice. Everything the game does awesome is balanced by something they should have never done.

This is how Bourne treats his friends to a drink

Everything was going great for Jason Bourne. He killed people, he's beaten up people, he blew stuff up, and occasionally jumped out of a plane or two. Life was sweet. Then, during one mission, something went bad and got Bourne shot and floating in the sea. He was rescued by a fishing boat when, upon regaining conscientiousness (did I spell that right?), he lose his memory. Normally, I would rip a game for the overused amnesia plot device, but Jason Bourne is so awesome, I'll let it slide. Eventually, he learns that he knows how to fight (and fight well), and he's pretty good with a gun (aren't we all), which is good because there are men trying to kill him. If you saw the movie, you already know the plot. What's different is that Bourne will frequently have flashbacks about previous missions he's been on. These flashbacks have no bearing on the story whatsoever, which is dumb since these missions make up MOST OF THE GAME! It also doesn't help that the role of Bourne is played by...umm...well he ain't Matt Damon; I can tell you that (sorry ladies...and Travis). This guy seems so disinterested in what's going on around him. Maybe because he's bored. He is Jason Bourne after all. He's used to more chaotic scenarios involving atom bombs and saving babies from nuclear kangaroos. All this running around killing normal people is beneath him. Or maybe it's because the voice actor sucks and Sierra couldn't translate the story into a game.

Best...nutshot...ever...

The one area where Sierra makes Bourne look as awesome as he should is in the hand to hand combat. X is light attacks, Y is heavy attacks, A is block, and B is takedowns which I'll explain in a bit. This isn't some button mashing combofest of a fighter. Randomly pressing buttons and not being smart is a quick (and I mean QUICK) way to get jacked with a bag of beat-up by whomever you're fighting. Using the same combo may work the first 2 times, but the enemies usually wise up and begin to block the combo. Its no big deal for Jason Bourne. He has plenty of combos to keep them guessing, including one that apparently ends in a nutshot. You're never too cool to do a nutshot. Slap your enemy around enough, and you will fill up a blue meter on the side. The developers call it adrenaline. I call it 'Super Duper Make My Guy Awesome' juice. The stuff only Major Leaguers use. Fill up the meter to a certain point, and you can do a takedown move. Takedowns are cinematic displays of kung fu-lery that hurts the enemy in ways a 30million dollar weapon should. If you're standing next to something, Bourne might use it as a weapon, making normal objects awesome. With the camera zoomed in so close and the fighting so fast-paced, it really has that cinematic movie feel that the developers wanted to create. Everything was going great for my main man Bourne.....

...but then they gave him a gun.

Jason Bourne with a gun? How can that be anything but awesome? Do you have any idea what that man could do with 5 bullets and a klondike bar? It could be the end of the world as we know it...and it would be awesome. What's not awesome is how Sierra decided to implement shooting into the game. The shooting itself is fine, but everything surrounding it makes it not worth the effort, nor is it befitting to Bourne's awesomeness. There's a very heavy emphasis of cover (even more so that Gears of War), as Bourne can only take about 5 bullets before all 30 million dollars of him drops to the floor with rigar mortis. Unlike Bourne though, his enemies can take a million billion bullets before they even say the word 'ow', which is annoying when you're surrounded by soldiers and you need to take one down quick to give yourself some breathing room. I hope you're good at headshots because that's the only way you're getting through this game (there are even achievements for headshots). Another little annoyance is that the camera is too damn close. Jason Bourne is a sexy man; I'm not going to deny it, but I don't want the camera to get all up on him in the middle of a shootout surrounded on all sides. There were many times where I didn't even know the enemy was there until I was riddled with bullets. Whenever an enemy gets too close to Bourne, the game switches over to hand to hand combat, which would have been fine if THAT WAS THE LAST ENEMY LEFT! Hand to hand combat is great, but not when everyone else has machine guns pointed at your head. They say if you put your cambatant between you and the shooters, it will prevent you from eating metal flying at you 300 miles per second. I don't see what makes them think that because the guys I faced cared enough about their guy as much as they did for me. Of course, he can take a thousand bullets, but I can't, so I usually expect the game over scene to show up within the next 2 minutes. This just isn't how gunplay should be done for a man like Jason Bourne, who is probably facing off against Michael Jordan and Lebron James in all sort of slam dunkery while curing at least 7 forms of cancer and disarming a bomb that can wipe out half of the United States, all while on top of a pterodactyl. By the way, since pterodactyls aren't necessarily an efficient form of transportation (would be awesome though), they decided to throw in the car chase part from the movie. The car handles like crap. That's all I need to say. If the vehicle handles poorly, then the driving section sucks no matter what you do. Remember the tank stage from Gears of War 2? No? Didn't I tell you to go get that game!?

Even Bourne has had a crappy first car

Jason Bourne: the man, the myth, the legend. The Bourne Conspiracy: the good, the bad, the ugly. I expected more from this game, like the time Bourne fought off Hitler's army on the moon armed with only a ladel, but sadly boils down to a run of the mill shooter. Oh, and they are quick time events just in case you weren't already sick of those. The hand to hand combat was awesome, and I wish Sierra concentrated on that moreso than any other aspect of the game. In fact, Bourne seems more dangerous when he is using his fist. He saved a thousand nations with those very fists (true story). I suggest renting this if you're that interested, but buy the Bourne trilogy DVDs because they should be awesome. While we're on the subject, can somebody loan me 40 bucks so I can get it? C'mon. Please?

Rating: Meh

NOTE: I figured if Bourne could be that awesome, I can at least get through one review with any form of moher fuckin profanity.