Bionic Commando

If you played the NES original or the Xboxlive remake, you know that Bionic Commando is one of the hardest games ever made, next to Contra and Mega Man 2 (also on Xboxlive). I'm not talking about 'it's get challenging as you move on" hard. I'm not talking about "It really tests your skills" hard. Shit, I'm not even talking about Ninja Gaiden hard (the Xbox Ninja Gaiden; the one for the NES.....WHOA!). Bionic Commando was so hard, it made you curse God as you chucked your controller at the nearest person or thing that happened to be in your way as rage filled your body. Bionic Commando was so hard, it should have came with prescription drugs to help lower your blood pressure. Bionic Commando was so hard, many people strangled their little brother for accidentally tripping on the cord, pulling it out of the console socket, and causing game over to the player (thank God controllers are now wireless). Bionic Commando was so hard, if you managed to beat the game, you were the man in the eyes of gamers, and a loser to everyone else. Let's face it; it takes a lot of time and dedication to get to level 3. If you manage to beat it, you've had too much time on your hands my friend (or it was the only game you owned). Bionic Commando was so hard, I was nervous (not really) when I heard Capcom would made a sequel for it for Xbox360. Oh great; a 3D version of pure, unadulterated punishment. This should be fun. Everybody out my house; I can be held responsible for my actions once I start playing. What do you think happened to my little brother (hint: I'm the baby of the family...damn NES cord)? Apparently, Capcom realized that implementing the brutal difficuty in this game wouldn't be very profitable, and maybe start an all out war against gamers like me...lead by me. So, the difficulty has been dumb-down to benefit the ungifted masses. It's still not easy, but at least I can actually beat this one.

Umm...somebody should have told him the grappling hook isn't fixed yet

The story begins 5 years after the first game. The hero, Nathan 'RAD' Spencer, is on death row for not following order from his commanding officer, and inadvertently causing the deaths of several people (my bad). Before anybody ask me, the character was made in the 80's, and the nickname 'RAD' was cool back then. I know that nowadays nobody would be caught dead saying the word "RAD', but since he's already an established character, you can't really change it. At least nobody calls him that in the game. Anyway, an explosion goes off in Ascension City, destroying the entire metropolis, killing millions of people, and emits high levels of radiation. And yet, somehow, Starbucks is still intact. The ruined city is now occupied by the terrorist group BioReign, a group of people with bionic parts who are pissed off at the government for reasons you will find out when you play the game. Being the only badass in the area, Spencer is called back into action by his good old friend and former boss Joseph Gibson, or 'Super Joe'(apparently also a cool name in the 80's). They could have just nuked the bitch again. It's not like blowing up an already blown up city would have hurt anybody (except the enemy). It makes sense to me; the idea is so time efficient. You fly in, drop the bomb, fly out, watch it go boom, kill the enemy, and you're home in time to eat dinner and watch Will and Grace. Whatever works for you.

Try and pull this one off, cosplayers

Of course, Nathan's most standout feature is his left arm. When you get your arm blown off in war, getting it replaced with 200 pounds of badass seems like a good idea. Not only does it give Spencer enhanced strenght, but it also has a grappling hook he uses to swing from place to place. It perfect for fighting, but not exactly useful for hugging loved ones or pleasing your wife (Although he might be the exception. Read the storyline post). That grappling hook is actually the main draw to Bionic Commando ever since the NES days. Press and hold the right trigger to grab on anything within range to start swinging. Release the RT to release your grip. It takes a while to get used to, but once you do, you'll be giving Spider-Man the middle finger as you swing through levels with great speed. The hook does more than let you swing. You can use it to grab onto enemies and fling them at other enemies. You can grab items and fling them at enemies. You can grab guns and ammo from a distance to shoot at enemies. You can also grab enemies, and zip towards them in order to kick enemies. Basically, if you aint swinging, you're killing. Outside of the arm, this is your basic third-person shooter: a well done third-person shooter, but a basic one nonetheless.

Well I'll be damned; they pulled it off

What impressed me about this game is how varied the levels are. It takes place in one city, but you couldn't tell with all the different locales you'll be swinging and killing in. One minute you're in the downtown area, but then you're in some sort of canyon, and then next you're in the woods which is actually the city park, and then you're in the subway, and so on and so forth. The transition from stage to stage is so seamless, you'll barely noticed you're switching scenery until about halfway in. I don't know why that stood out for me, but hey, it's nice. I do have one issue which the city, though. When you first enter Ascension City, you may be fooled into thinking it's an open-world game. Then you go a little too far off the yellow brick road, and subsequently die from radiation poisoning. See, instead of having invisible walls or collapsed buildings that act as walls, Capcom decided to create radiation fields in order to keep players inbounds and to create a better open FEEL of the city. While it does works, sometimes it's hard to tell when you entered a radiated area until you die. This gets especially annoying when one of the stronger enemies knocks you into one of those areas, and you have nothing to grapple on to swing or zip out. While I'm talking about issues, the game needs to load way too much. In the beginning, I would go two feet, and then have a loading screen pop up, only to go another two feet and have another screen pop up. Online is dull and boring, but I didn't expect much from it since the focus was on single-player. The game sometimes gets iffy about what it can and what it can't grab. Most of the time it's spot on, but sometimes I would try to grab on to something, and the arm would look at me and say "Fuck You!" as it refuses to extend. What pisses me off the most is that the guy who does Super Joe's voice has done like...10,000 OTHER VOICES! He did Roger in Big O, Kazuma in Sy-cry-ed, Mugen in Samurai Champloo, Solid Snake in Metal Gear Solid (I think...might be somebody different), countless RPGs, X-Men's Wolverine, Spectacular Spider-Man's Green Goblin, MadWorld's Jack, Ares in God of War, Naruto's Zabuza and Orochimaru, and countless others. I'm tired of his fuckin voice. Go to wikipedia and look up Steven Blum if you want the full list.

Gotta learn to let go of the right trigger

The game seemed incredibly short...or maybe I was playing too long and lost track of time, but Bionic is a good buy. I would play it again on a harder difficulty, but I think I'll be looking at NES difficulty, and I remember what happened before. I don't want to be short one more family member (you didn't see nothing!). Is it worth 60 bucks? I don't think so, but it's a good game nonetheless. Be warned though: The ending is fuckin retarded (Again, read the storyline post).
[Update] - Sleve Blum was in Metal Gear Solid, but not as Solid Snake. He did a bunch of other voices. Solid Snake is played by David Hayter.

Rating: Sweet

NOTE: He did Hod in Too Human, Kou Leith in The Bouncer, General Scott Mitchell in Tom Clancy's EndWar, Rust in The Chronicle of Riddick, Dark Star in No More Heroes, Zeus in Hot Shot Golf Fore, Jack Slate in Death to Right 2, Ken in Street Fighter Alpha......