Prototype

Judging from the box art alone, the game looks like it's gonna be badass. When you hear all the press about it and read up on what the gameplay is gonna be like, you would think the game will be badass. Then you get the game, and it turns out it's not as badass as you thought it would be. Don't get me wrong: Prototype is still a good game, but all the press made it seem like it will change the face of sandbox games forever. Instead, it just made improvements on what's already been done. It does do some things different, but not enough to back up a lot of the claims that were made about the game. There are even some elements, just like in Red Faction Guerrilla, that will drive you mad. Prototype is a good example of 'Don't believe the hype'. PENIS! Sorry for that outburst, but I realized my paragraph was too serious.

That's how he eats. I hate to see how he drinks

You play Alex Mercer (not to be confused with Alec Mason from Red Faction...see what I did there?), a man with no memory and inexplicable powers. Now Alex must find out who he is and try to put the pieces of his life back together. Great...another guy who lost his memory. That hasn't been done 700,000 times before. Seriously, can we please stop with the amnesiac angle because it's getting old watching the protagonist trying to remember. At least do something different with it, like every time he remembers something, it adds to his cancer or something. Nobody take that idea; that's mine. HEY YOU! OVER THERE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT PEN AND PAD!? GROCERY LIST MY ASS! GET OVER HERE........(*sounds of a struggle*)........(*sound of glass breaking*).......(*guy screaming in pain*)......sigh.* Now that that's over with, I should probably mention that New York is also infected with some virus that turns people into freaks. They're nowhere near as awesome as Mercer, but still dangerous. He doesn't necessarily have to (and I wish he wouldn't) but Mercer decides to try to save New York while getting revenge on the people who made him the way he....HEY!.......(*sounds of a struggle*)........(*bludgeoning sounds*)....DIE BITCH!.....(*slamming sounds*).........(*heavy breathing*) God damn, that guy wouldn't stay down. He's like the giant chicken from Family Guy. (*heavy breathing*) I'm seriously out of breath here, people.

Things got off to a great start when the opening cinematic started fucking lagging and the audio couldn't keep up or got ahead of the video. Well, things seem to be going well so far. Once I started playing, though, I quickly forgot about it and enjoyed my time being a badass. As I was playing the game and having fun killing random....everything, I couldn't help feeling like I've done this before. Then it hit me: This seems ahellava lot like the Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction. Sure you're not green, throwing tanks 700 yards, or using wrecking balls like yo-yos, but this game definitely takes from the Hulk game. Both games are sandbox games. Both have a shitload of upgrades you can make. Both have heroes who don't like the military. Shit, replace Mercer with the Hulk and you can call this The Incredible Hulk: Total Destruction. When I decided to look at what games the developer has made over the years, it didn't surprise me one bit when I saw the Hulk game on that list. Well, Hulk was a badass game, so if you're gonna mimic one of your previous games, it might as well be that game. I would point out other similarities, but I don't want to bore you with my nerdy little tangents.

...I didn't do it

To understand Alex Mercer, you must understand his body (sounds like a sex ed video). Besides the normal superhero stuff (strength, speed, agility, etc.) his body can shape shift. This allows him to transform his body into a weapon of badass destruction, especially when you upgrade to the more powerful stuff. I would tell you, but that would just ruin the surprise (plus I'm too lazy to). The most important feature of Alex is his ability to consume. When you grab a character (could be anyone on the screen) you can absorb them into your body. This acts as your healthpack of sorts. Some of the executions he performs before the consumption are just downright awesome. Just now, I kneed a woman in the face, causing her head to explode. While equipped with one of my weapons, I elbow dropped a dude, splitting him in half. Some people hold valuable information, and upon consumption, you know what they know. Sometimes you will acquire skills needed to operate a military vehicle. Sometimes its important information about what's going on with the infection. These people with info will add to what is called the web of intrigue. Each person added to the web gets you closer to completely understanding what is going on. There's a red icon over a person's head that let's you know that they add to the web of intrigue. It's not necessary, but you can't resist absorbing these people when they pop up on your mini-map. They're like achievements points. After learning what I need to know, I did a few missions, did a couple of side shit, and went on a killing rampage decapitating anyone who looked at me with 2 eyes. Everything started out nice, but around the halfway point, things started going up shits creak.

Reach out and touch someone

The missions are design to be as action packed as possible. The problem is you'll barely make it out alive in most of the missions past the halfway point. It's not that "Oh, this is challenging. I need a new strategy" kind of hard. It's that "WILL YOU LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" kind of hard. Just like in Red Faction, you will be overwhelmed by enemies (or sometimes just one enemy) with no way of reaching any food supply for health. The military gets easy to deal with after a while (just keep stealing tanks and copters), but the more powerful infected creatures are a bitch. In one mission, I had to protect a machine from wave after wave of big mother fuckers while giant tentacles threw shit at me. BULL...FUCKIN...SHIT! Then they wanted me to infiltrate a base filled with machines that can detect me even when I'm disguised (oh, I forgot to mention that when you consume someone, you can use their body as a disguise. Great for sneaking into bases or hiding from pursuers). Once I'm detected, the whole fuckin army collapsed on me. Fuckin A, can I get a break here? Wanna hear something really fucked up? It took me 2 days to reach the final boss. It took me 2 days to finally BEAT the final boss. What...the...fuck. Speaking of bosses, I hate it when games throw minions at you during a boss fight. It seems so pointless unless they're there for health. In one boss fight, the boss sent the most powerful mother fuckas it could find. I said to myself "This is it. This is my own personal hell" as I died over and over and over and over again. A lot of these missions made me throw my controller down and turn off my system. If I wasn't reviewing this, I would have quit a long time ago because I don't play games to raise my blood pressure, dammit. The only saving grace for these bullshitty missions is the fact that the developers were very generous with the checkpoints. I'm better than the average person, so I can only imagine what they're going through. Maybe I'll put up tips like I did for Wolverine. OH, and half of the side missions suck, so don't bother unless you need the XP, or you found one you like.

Lovely nails

Once you look past the insane missions and sometimes laggy cimematics, Prototype is a good game. In fact, I've been playing it while doing this review. I needed to; I'm typing this at 4 in the morning, and I need something to keep me up. Video games are great waker upers. If a video game can hold your attention, you're not going to sleep no matter how tired you are. Anyway, Prototype is worth a look, and if you know someone with the game, bum it off them. This could have been better with more time for the developers to polish it, but as it is it's still a...OH GOD DAMMIT.......(*sounds of a struggle*).......WHY WON'T YOU DIE!?........(*sounds of a struggle*).....(*banging sounds*).....PUT THAT KNIFE DOWN!.......(*struggling sounds*).......

Rating: ...Sweet....OW MY FOOT!.....(*banging sounds*).....

NOTE: ...........(*punching noices*).........AH FUCK.......(*struggling sounds*)..........MY GUN!.........(*click click)......NOW WHAT BITCH!?........(*gunshots*)........(*breathing heavily*).....son of a bitch ain't coming back from that. Damn; he made me miss my NOTE portion.