WET

Whoops...wrong game.

Anyway, let’s get this out of the way. Yes, WET has that grindhouse style you see from Quinton Taratino films (hopefully I spelled his name right) with the flickering scene like it was being run on the world oldest home camcorder, and yes it looks cool as hell. I just wanted to get that out of the way because millions upon billions of reviewers have been spinning that line for weeks now. Despite the….film style (?), it doesn’t distract one bit from what this game really is: Midway’s Stranglehold with a few moves swapped out. It’s hard not to make a comparison between the two games. Both have outlandish shootouts that I wouldn’t recommend you try until you have a grudge against certain things like living or keeping all of your blood. Both have insane stunts that nobody can physical do EVER and would only try if he/she gets off on breaking bones. For the final piece of résistance (is that how they say it?), both games make you play in slooooow mooooootion as you dive repeatedly to avoid death long enough to die in the next area and have the game over screen mock you. The only difference is that Stranglehold was actually good, while WET wishes it could keep up.

So Getting in a Car Never Seemed Like a Good Idea?

Although there is a story somewhere, the game just says fuck it all, gives you guns, gives you a sword, and then goes sits in the corner out of the fucking way while you proceed to stylishly murder dude after dude, interrupting only to load, ask you if you want to upgrade, or do a fan-fuckin-tastic quick time event. Yes, QTEs make yet another appearance, and yes, they show up at random with no warning as to when shit might pop off. As for the main character, Rubi, what can I say? Well, she a bitch, an alcoholic, a sociopath, a shitty dresser, stubborn, your sister on the rag, and an all around unlikable person. It’s as if the developers wanted to make her as inhuman as possible, and I have to say “mission fuckin accomplished” Enjoy your medal.

If you take a good look at the graphics, you will notice they’re not that good. They’re not bad, but not good. So why does the game have to load for so damn long? They try to hide it with stupid ass elevator scenes with Rubi just standing there bored out of her fuckin mind just like I was. Remember the elevators from Mass Effect (if you played it)? LONGER!

Do I See Camel Toe?

Like Stranglehold, the main problem with WET is that you spend so much time in slow motion that you think you've made a mistake or the game is glitching for some reason. Bullet time was a great thing during The Matrix era, but now it's time to calm the fuck down on it. Almost every shooter has it now (clearly an exaggeration so don't fuckin email me) and it's annoying, but this may be the first time a person is helpless without it. While in slow mo, you can aim with one gun while auto target takes care of the other guy, which is kinda fuckin awesome, but when you snap out of it, Rubi uses only one gun like she forgot she can fuckin dual wield! You're either sliding and diving all over the place or else you're dead. The same goes for Stranglehold, but at least you can actual do something when not in slow mo. WET is so dedicated to the idea of bullet time that it gets pissy whenever you decide not to use it, and why would you not use it? It's the only way to kill shit. Speaking of killing shit, there's almost never a moment when you're not killing something. If you go 5 minutes without a murder to you're name, then you're doing something wrong. It's fun for a while, but the enemies are dumb as fuck, and provide no real challenge. The only difference between enemies when you begin and when you end is the fact that it takes a hellava lot more bullets to take down (and apparently possess bulletproof foreheads because head shots don't always register). After a while, I got bored and quit, and looked for something more worth my time...like granny porn.

Cocaine's a Hell of a Drug

WET is one of those games that seemed like a good idea....in 2001. This game starts off well enough, but never stays at that level. Rubi, if you're gonna ape a game like Stranglehold, make sure you do it right, and do it better.

Rating: Meh

NOTE: Seriously, Rubi is such an unlikable bitch.